Monday, June 26, 2006

Confessions of anti-social behaviour

I'm a kleptomaniac with a fetish for ashtrays
There I'v said it.
Don't think that's the first step on the road to recovery but at least now people will hide their ashtrays when I go to their houses ...
Actually I don't flick from people I know, I flick from resturants, clubs, hotels etc as a souvenir of a night well-spent. Besides, I'm sure restaurants, clubs and hotels are used to people stealing from them..
The stupidest thing I've ever flicked was the welcome mat from the guesthouse in Manali.
I was fuck-stoned from five days of incessant conversation with Mary and the damn thing was bright purple with red and green stripes.. Which meant I'd been staring at the damn thing the entire week we were there.
Another dumb thing to flick was this poster on drug abuse from the Jungpura police station when I went to help some friends who got busted (read Stoner story 9 - teen drama and the Doberman)
Other shit that wended their way into my pocket have been calendars, coasters, napkins, empty bottles of Jack Daniels, a bright red cushion from a nightclub, a tray from McDonald's, a cardboard cutout of Batman from a movie hall and a bill folder from the erstwhile Casablanca.

Credit card fraud
When with the call centre, there'd be scores of reps from various credit card companies loitering around outside the main gate, waiting to stick us with a form.
All we had to do was photocopy our identity card and any salary slip and we had access to 20 grand just like that!
Soon, it wasn't unusual for most employees to flaunt literally stacks of credit cards.
And with the companies falling over themselves to throw money at us, most of us were easy bait.
The majority of call centre colleagues back then were straight out of college, most from smaller towns and this sudden increase in spending power did silly things to your lifestyle.
Besides the usual - clothes, watches, shoes, gizmos and scents - there was the extravagant spending on maal, drinking out, impromptu vacations and more.
Till one day, the first collection call came.
Ironic, since that was exactly what we were doing to people 2000 miles away.
Some like Chow, ran up credit worth at least 300,000 rupees from various cards and loans before packing up his stuff and moving back to Hyderabad.
I stood as guarantor to some loans when in GE and I still get calls asking for the wherabouts of people I have no clue about any more.
Which is good for them and me.
I managed to get through the collection ordeal by changing phone numbers, addresses and jobs.
Not intentionally, mind you.
Ii'v hopped six jobs and seven houses in the past five years not to avoid creditors but because I had to.

Hit and no-run
Was driving back from Chandni Chowk once with the ExGirlfriend (mJ) and we were taking turns at the wheel.
It was dark by the time we headed home and self was driving with one hand in mJ's lap.
We reached the left turn under the Nizamuddin flyover and this little kid runs out into the road trying to get to the park across it.
The car's lights were on, so I flashed them and honked the horn to indicate to the kid to wait.
He hesitated and ran anyway.. right into the left side of the hood, bouncing off with a sickening thud.
Luckily (or unluckily) the cops were right there, within arm's distance and they got there in time to prevent the local hotheaded Muslim population from turning into a lynch mob.
The second the kid hit the car, I stopped, ran out, picked him up and ran to a nearby autorickshaw, shouting to the driver to take us to the hospital.
Within moments, a crowd had gathered menacingly around the car.
Neither of us had driving licenses and the car's papers were also missing from the glove box.
The cops calmed everybody down and told me to drive to the nearest hospital - Moolchand.
We put the kid in the back seat along with all the fabric and trim we'd been buying for her fashion crap and two 'uncles' jumped in too.
The kid was bleeding from the mouth but didn't appear to be too badly damaged.
We missed the turn in for Moolchand because I started freaking out and had to go all the way around to get to AIIMS.
Luckily, we were supposed to meet Sharky (the lawyer friend) so I phoned him in near panic to get his bony ass to AIIMS.
Our man was so stoned, he went to two wrong hospitals before landing up at the right one.
I knew nothing would happen to the kid. It wasn't much of a bump and he needed just a few stitches to get sorted out.
I was paranoid about the driving with no license, besides the car belonged to mJ's Ma who didn't even know we were seeing each other forget being together that night.

Anyway .. everything sorted itself out, thanks in most part to Sharky who handled the cops, the relatives and the hospital while we waited in the parking lot.
But that's one night I'll never forget.


Blogger Brown Magic said...

I see your random red cushion and raise you - a street sign, a stop sign, a golf bag and traffic cone.

8:03 PM  
Blogger Pirate of the Arabian said...

Hmmm.. I guess I'm not so sticky fingered after all

9:09 PM  
Anonymous Jeet said...

Dude you are hilarious..thanks for some laughs..
ooohh how i miss Delhi

12:45 AM  

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