Saturday, June 03, 2006

The bartender chronicles

I try and get behind the bar at every possible house party.
Not just because I can fix myself a stiff one when no one's looking...heck I'll do that anyway.. but more so I can experiment on other people... especially the types that say, "No yaa..I don't drink..i'll have a Breezer..."
So I do give them a Breezer with a splash of whisky, vodka or both.

People who don't drink regularly or much, have absolutely no idea when or how they get drunk.

"Hey man.. take it easy, you've had too much to drink.. stop flirting with the curtain.."
" Haa? Wha? whostheere? whoyou?" .... and then a happily-slurred, "heyyyyy babbyyy.." to the vase before falling face first into the pot.

Women are even funnier because some refuse to admit that its their fault they got drunk.
When I'm behind the bar, I have just one rule: If you can't handle your booze, then don't ask me to fix you one. I don't overdo the booze, but I might add a splash of something else from somwhere else.
If you want a Breezer, the opener's by the fridge.

Of all the fucked up things that have been invented at parties past, the most innovative was the tequila-milk shot.
Try it, but only if you want to see what it tastes like.
Another was when we got our hands on a bottle of chilled Sauvignon and a frozen bottle of vodka. Poured both into a blender, added ice, bananas and cucumber.
Woke up the next morning and the blender was empty. The last I remember of that night was something about a dragonfly circus and a blind security guard.

Last office party we had, I was behind the bar the too. Don't remember clearly what happened that night but one of the senior citizens in my department (who's an avowed teetotaller) got wayy to happy for her own good.
Driving from South Ex to Asiad (which is really just a right turn), she drove across the river, across the state border into Noida and then blames me the next day for fiddling with her drinks.
Heck lady, if your sense of direction is fucked, how is that my fault?

Good drinks to make at home:
The easy mojito: Old Monk rum, Coke (not Pepsi) lime wedges, salt and mint leaves. Pro bartenders will first 'muddle' your drink with sugar syrup. This increases the potency of the drink but there's hardly any booze in it to begin with.
(Note: All cocktails in all pubs, bars and clubs are made with 30ml alcohol..most times even less)
Fuck the sugar. It dehydrates you and you can't have more than a few rounds.

Whisky screwdriver: The same as you would with vodka except with whisky. Obviously, please don't humiliate your Glenfiddich by mixing it with OJ.

Vodka sherbet: Roohafza and vodka. Be generous with the vodka. This one will knock your socks off if you drink it too fast.

Breezer shandy: Much like a beer shandy, except its the Breezer IN the beer. Chose flavours carefully...stick to the lime-flavoured Breezer for this one.

The best booze for your buck? Personally, the award for the best dark rum in the country should go to Sikkim Rum, though I still have vivid memories of the full-bodied flavour of Fireball. Old Monk is also pretty good too.
I'm not much of a whiskey drinker. Usually only at press conference lunches or events because that's the only combo that will be brought around to the tables by an obliging waiter. You have to crash the bar for anything else.
I avoid vodka and white rum as far as possible. Both give me headaches and horribly uncontrollable hangovers..
Beer was, is and always will be the perfect summer companion, long-drive-drinking-buddy, picnic pal, met-long-lost-friend-in-the-market-so-going-for-a-drink? Beer is what you'll have.

Met some chick last week (don't remember who) who said, "Eewww, how can you drink beer..its so bitter.. Well girlie, beer may be hard to get used to, but its just as hard to kick.


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