Monday, June 26, 2006

The art of the one night stand

This advice (FOR GUYS ONLY) is thanks to my friend Luke "Higher" who spends most of his time in the halfway-house trawling the Internet for useful information like this...

And no ... this isn't from Cosmo..

“Rope-a-Dope” Her Hot Spot
The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings—twice as many as the penis. To pleasure it, try letting letting her push and grind against your flat, still tongue. Take it all in, then spring back with a series of fast vertical and diagonal tongue strokes. Lick her senseless with a short burst of energy and then return to the flat, still tongue, waiting for yet another opportune moment to spring to life again.

Give Her an Incentive
If you want the best blow job on Earth, put cash on the bedside table. I’m not kidding. Or give Cartier. A little Cartier never killed a woman.

Get Your Buzz On
Turn your hand into a vibrator by placing the vibrator on top of your hand so she can feel the vibrations through it. Or you can cover an electric toothbrush with Saran wrap.

Listen to the Lesbians
Fingering doesn’t mean pounding; a finger is not just a stand-in for a penis. Slip one finger between the outside of her lips and slide up and down really slowly until the vagina moistens itself. The lips make a line right up to the clit, so you can play with that a bit. Once she’s moist, go inside a little with one finger, but just one. Some guys think because one finger feels good, four fingers must feel better! It doesn’t.” —Terri Castillo, 29-year-old lesbian nicknamed “the Transformer” for converting nine women to her team

Establish Your Sex Dictionary
Sexy talk in bed can be a big turn-on—unless she’s turned off by your language. So play a game: Find a magazine with nude pictures and point to body parts, asking her, ‘What do you want me to call that? A vagina, a pussy, or something else?’ Then tell her whether you have a cock, a penis, or a trouser monkey.

Back Off
Don’t sweat the pussy; make the pussy sweat you. If you really dig a woman, pass up sex the first couple of times, because the best sex you’re going to get is when she’s after you. If you’re just looking for one night, say whatever the fuck you want: If she wants to fly, tell her you’re a pilot. But if you’re fly enough to hold back, she’ll want to screw the shit out of you. The best sex comes down the road when the chick finally tells you what she wants and you can get into your freaky.

Aim High
When you want to bring home a woman, pick the most attractive one and go for it. When I grew up, the ugliest motherfucker of the group always had the best-looking girls, because it isn’t about money or good looks—it’s about the balls you have and the attitude. If you choose to charm the best-looking girls, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Suck Wind
Breathing deeply gets you in touch with your body instead of your head. A lot of people tighten up when they get close to climaxing, but if you really breathe (and remind her to), it spreads the pleasure into a full-body orgasm.

Make a Promise and Keep It
I hate to give away trade secrets, but when I’m kissing a girl good night, I might say, ‘Before I leave I’ve got to give you a couple of goose bumps.’ Then I carefully lean in and kiss the back of her neck really softly. If she likes that, I give a little squeeze to her back end. There are nerve muscles there that will make her hair stand up on end. If she doesn’t get goose bumps, either you suck or she doesn’t like you.

Encourage Her Wild Side
Nice girls worry that if they get wild in bed, you’ll think of them as sluts.
So I say this: If you’re lucky enough to have wild, risqué sex with your girlfriend, make sure to be particularly romantic afterward. If she dresses up naughty for you or gets kinky and spanks you, say, ‘I love you for that,’ and caress her hair while you say it. The wilder the sexcapade is, the more romantic you need to be afterward so she knows that you still think she’s a nice girl deep down. She’ll be bloody up for everything then!

Draw the Curtains
When you’re giving her oral sex, use your hands to part her labia, the outer lips of her vagina. If you hold her open with your fingers, it creates a bigger area for your tongue to explore on her, and it’s an erotic feeling for her to be spread by her man.

Try the Scout’s Honor Move
Here’s a great way to pleasure her G-spot with your fingers, but it requires dexterity.
Musicians will be good at this!
Have her lie with her thighs spread open and her knees bent. Then stick out just your forefinger and middle finger, as if you’re giving the scout’s honor salute, and insert those two fingers, palm up, into her vagina very slowly. Once you get all the way in, pull your fingers back out, making a come-hither motion to stroke her G-spot. At the same time, slide the same two fingers of the other hand in right below and keep switching hands. It’s basically a circulating motion in which two fingers of one hand are going in while two fingers of the other hand are coming out in one smooth, continuous rotation, and it feels utterly amazing.

Ask, Ask, Ask
Look, not every woman wants her vagina licked the same way. But not every woman wants to tell you you’re doing it wrong for her. So you need to ask her, ‘Am I doing this right?’ and give her the opportunity to tell you. It’s time we men stopped being so intimidated. If the woman’s having a great time in bed, I’m going to have a better time. If I want time by myself, I’ll masturbate! If she wants to use a vibrator, it can only contribute.
If you’re pleasing her, she’ll go out of her way to please you.

Give Her Some Skin
The skin is the largest organ of the body. The more of your skin that touches her skin, the better. While you’re penetrating, touch her feet with your feet: Wrap your feet around her ankles, or rub the tops of your toes along the bottom of her feet; stroke her hair and lick her breasts. You can even put a little oil on your bodies so you slide better.

Do It In the Kitchen
You can last longer if a woman is lying on an elevated surface, like a kitchen countertop, and you enter her standing up (you don’t have to support all your weight on your arms like you do in the missionary position). Plus, you’re entering her from below, which affects the angle of the dangle so your penis will hit the top wall of her vagina, which is where her G-spot is.

Massage Your Way to Sex
Every woman loves massages. And there are so many lotions and creams out there to use. It wouldn’t hurt a guy to go to the store and say, ‘I want to give my girl a massage, so what should I get?’ And massages ALWAYS lead to something.

Be Her Breast Friend
Playing with a woman’s nipples releases a hormone called oxytocin that causes a tingling sensation in her genitals, so be good to her breasts. Nipples are really responsive to temperature, so take advantage of that by grabbing a blindfold, an ice cube, and a cup of hot tea: After she’s blindfolded, suck on the ice, then lick her nipples very gently; next, take a sip of hot tea and lick her nipples again. Start soft and slow, and if she doesn’t punch you in the face, you’re on the right track. Or rub her nipples with baby oil to make them slippery little disks. Just like you don’t want a woman tugging at your penis with her dry hands, women don’t like that feeling either!

Rise and Shine
The best sex for most women is when a man caresses her awake in the morning, waking up every nerve of her body until she really wants it. But don’t go straight for the breasts and pussy, and don’t just start poking into her back. Curl up behind her and run your hands along her arm, follow the curves of her hips and butt. If you take your time, she’ll be begging for it.

Jerk Her Around
The age-old question: Should you be a nice guy or a jerk? Well, why not both? Next time you see a cute waitress, say in a really polite tone, ‘Hey, shithead, want to go to a museum sometime?’” —Eugene Mirman, stand-up comedian

Read Her Body
If she moves her hips up off the bed, she’s telling you to lick a little lower. If she presses her butt down into the bed she’s telling you to lick higher. If she’s groaning and pushing into your face, well, she’s telling you you’re doing a great job!

Reach for the Thigh
The single most erogenous zone is her inner thigh. It sends a sensual signal to your partner without going straight for the bull’s-eye.

Lick Her Before Beer
Guys say, ‘Get her drunk,’ but there’s a fine line between a girl being tipsy and ready to play and you ending up alone at Cafe Coffee Day at 2am with her vomit on your shoes.


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