Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Some of my favourite jokes

It’s a normal day in the jungle. The elephant is rolling a joint when a rabbit comes hopping up to him and says, "Hey Mr Elephant, that shit is just killing you, why don’t you run through the forest with me? You'll feel so much better." The elephant thinks about it, puts down his papers and roach and starts running through the forest with the rabbit. They come across a giraffe about to shoot heroin when the rabbit says, "Hey Mr Giraffe, that shit is just killing you, why don’t you run through the forest with us? You'll feel so much better." The giraffe thinks about it and putting down his needle and spoon follows the elephant and the rabbit through the jungle.
They come across a lion about to snort a line of cocaine, when the rabbit stops and says, "Hey Mr Lion, that shit is just killing you, why don’t you run through the forest with me? You'll feel so much better."
The Lion gets up and beats the shit out of the rabbit
"What'd you do that for?" ask the elephant and giraffe in horror
The lion says, "That damn rabbit does that every time he's high on ecstasy."
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A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the forest together when the bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you mind shit sticking to your fur like that?" The rabbit thinks a moment and says, "No". So the bear picks him and wipes his ass with the rabbit.
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There's this incredibly obese man who desperately wants to lose weight but nothing he tries seems to work. Diets, exercises, yoga, surgery .. nothing.
One day he sees an ad in the newspaper that reads: If you want to lose weight instantly, call this number.
Our man promptly does just that. On the phone, the lady on the other end asks for a $10 credit card payment. "Its a dollar a pound," she says. The fat man pays up and she tells him that the company rep will contact him the next day.
Its 6am the following morning when the doorbell rings. He answers to see a naked brunette with a sign that says: If you catch me, you fuck me. He chases her around the living room, catches her amd screws her proper. After they're done, she tells him to go weigh himself. And miraculaously, he's lost 10 pounds!!!!
Ecstatic, he calls back saying he wants to lose 20 pounds and pays the required amount.
The next morning, he's sleeping wheh the doorbell rings. he answers it to see a naked redhead with a sign that says: If you catch me, you fuck me.
Again, he chases her around the living room, finally catching her and screwing her. Sure enough, she tells him to go weigh himself and he's lost exactly 20 pounds.
His wildest dreams come true, he calls back the number and says he wants to lose 200 pounds. "But sir," says the lady on the phone, "that can prove to be fatal." but he's adamant and gives her the payment.
The next morning, he gets up early and cleans out his house, setting up a romantic atmosphere. Finally he gets ready in his best clothes and waits for the doorbell to ring.
At 6am the doorbell rings and he runs to open it to find.....

a 900 pound gorilla with a sign that says: If I catch you I fuck you

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