Friday, May 12, 2006

Rickshaw mania

There are times when I wish I had a remote controlled grenade launcher so I could obliterate every single motherfucking cycle rickshaw on the planet. Of course, I only really feel that way when there are fucking millions of them in my way...all going a different direction and not one of them acknowledging that I'm driving a car and I'll run over one of them motherfuckers if they piss me off. Like in Chandni Chowk or Sadar Bazar or even Delhi University at times.

I remember when I joined college, I was one shy motherfucker. Eleven years in an all-boys school will do that to you. In class, there was this one other girl.. a huge goddamn sardarni with two looooong braids down her back.
One day, on the way to college in the Gurgaon "U-Special" (i don't know why they were called that...absolutely nothing special about those motherfucking buses) when I spot Jas get on at DK. Oh crap..she's seen me..which means I'll probably have to go with her everyday..
I managed to avoid her till the end of the day when she comes and says, "Hey aren't you in the Gurgaon special also? Why don't we go together?"
Didn't want to say no for fear she'd sit on me, so I tagged along as we walked out the gate to grab a rikker to take us to the Arts Faculty where the buses wait.
She takes one step on the rikker and the bugger tilts to one side. She climbs on to the rikker and the whole damn thing swings over on its side...driver and all!!!!
I'm laughing so hard, I can't see her getting up and coming around to take a swing at it was my fault she fell!!
One thwack!!! later and we're in the rikker, riding to the bus stop in complete silence.

This other time, I was ambulating down the road from home to the main road where I'd intended to catch an auto and head somewhere (don't remember where). I do recall I'd had a bit to smoke before leaving home though.
I'm trying to cross the road...looking the right way...and I can see a gap in the traffic flow. Now this is fast motherfucking traffic so you want to be sure you got your timing right or all that'll be left of you is roadkill.
So I get ready to make a run for it when this blind motherfucking dickweed rams his rikker right into me!!!! He's coming the wrong way (behind me) and has the balls to say, "sadak mein kahan khade ho".(why are you standing in the road)..
Goddamn motherfucker.. I still have the bruise on my thigh.

It's fucking difficult to ride a cycle rickshaw. If you try it, you'l know. Its not like riding a bicycle. Its like trying to ride a bicycle with two elephants and my Aunt Maggie having an orgy in the backseat cause the motherfucker just doesn't go the direction it's supposed to. The worst part is that if you want to go left, the rickshaw will go right and if you want to go right, you'll just fall off or get your nuts stuck in the handlebars.
Truly appreciate the balls some of these rickshaw wallas have when they're lugging a brace of 2-ton Punjabi aunties to their weekly kitty party.

The best people to buy weed off is also your friendly rickshaw puller. They're almost like some Delhi cops in that respect. I was walking back from a friend's house after watching that fuckall India-Pakistan one day series (the DLF Cup I think it was). We'd won if you remember, so I was pulling on a spliff I'd rolled before leaving and minding my own business when I hear the all too familiar sound of a cop bike coming up behind me.
Really wouldn't have made sense to throw the joint away, so I kept smoking it.
The thullas come up and stop right by me and the conversation goes something like this:
Cops: "Kahan ja rahe ho?" (Where are you going?)
Me: "Ghar" (Home)
Cops: "Kahan se aa rahe ho?" (Where are you coming from?)
Me: "Dost ke ghar se" (From a friend's house)
Cops: "Kya kar ke aa rahe ho"? (What have you been up to?)
Me: "Match dekh raha tha" (Was watching the match)
Cops: "Match mein kya hua?" (What happened in the match?)
Me: "Hum jeet gaye" (We won)
Cops: "Sachin ne kitne banaye?" (How much did Sachin make?)

This ENTIRE time, I was still smoking the joint, and they're sitting on the bike looking at me.

Cops: "Daroo tho nahi pe rahe?" (You're not drunk are you?)
Me: "Haan thoda bahut...India jeet jo gayi" (Well, a little bit..considering India won)
Cops: "Accha theek hai... aaram se ghar jaana" (OK..get home safe)

I was like what the fuck was that all about?????????


Blogger jairaj said...

Dude you're writing some freaky cool shit (pardon my language). Cheers!

6:10 PM  

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